Sunday, February 27, 2005

Are Goats on Crack? Through the Lens of the Scientific Method

Observation: Goats are idiots.

Question: Why are goats idiots?

Hypothesis: Goats are on crack.

Prediction: If my hypothesis is correct, a video search will generate "goats on crack" videos as evidence that goats are on crack. If my hypothesis is incorrect, further analysis will explore why goats are not on crack.

Background: Mary Roach's book,Stiff,says that goats have the most similar lungs to humans but if faced with a lung transplant that involved a goat donor...I'm not sure I could accept. I mean, if goats are eating tin cans and shit, who knows what they've decided was a good idea to inhale. They sure act like they're on crack. And it's too bad because it's the kids who suffer: neglected by his/her parents, a kid's behavior is often out of control and abnormal as you'll see in this video of a crack kid, confusedly barking.

Experiment: Two experiments are being applied to this research. The first is an ongoing research project, polling readers' opinions about the drug habits of goats. The second is data generated using Yahoo! Video Search and the results that the "goat" submissions yield.
Experiment #1

Are goats on crack?

Free polls from
Experiment #2 : Yahoo! Video Search: word search, results. Evidence and data gathered in this section is also used in the "Background" section listed above.
  • "goat" = 300 results minus 200 bestiality videos = 100 videos
  • "goats" = 114 videos
  • "goats on crack" = 0 videos
  • "goat on crack" = 0 videos
  • "goat in tree" = 1 video
  • "crazy goat" = 1 video minus 1 (bestiality video) = 0
  • "silly goat" = 0 videos
(This may also be an ongoing experiment)

Analysis: A couple of things can be deduced from the second experiment: goats on crack wouldn't necessarily be labeled as such. It is, after all, an illegal substance. These goats are just leaping over buildings and ingesting tractors like any "normal" animal does. Or people just assume goats to be on crack and feel no need for labeling them as "crack" would be synonymous to "goat" or "boring" is to "math."

Actually I don't think goats are on crack. Can you imagine being the dealer for a goat? That can't be good for business--they'd blow your cover way too easily:

Dealer: Okay be cool, kid (har), be cool

Then the goat takes coke out of his hand, eats the plastic bag and all in one swift gulp and runs up a tree--runs straight up a sequoia. The drug dealer's looking around, whisper yelling to the goat:


Then the goat leaps off and flies around a little bit--pretends to do the backstroke through the air. I don't know. Maybe goats are on crack. No opposable thumbs, no real fingers or anything and they manage to get in trees all the time.

Conclusion: Goats...anything that defends itself by butting its head (sacrificing its brain) speaks for itself. Whether or not goats are on crack does not matter; rather their confidence does. That confidence can be put to good use if goats focused a little more. Roach's book also discusses how victims of airplane crashes sometimes survive the impact of the ground but suffocate from poisonous fumes in the fire and the inability to open emergency exits. Where do the crashes always take place? A farm, it seems (aka: where goats live). With a little focus goats could save lives by eating open the emergency exits.

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