An impending trip back to the Nasty this week gave reason to go wallet shopping today to replace the crap that was my Kate Spade wallet (perhaps her trademark gazillion dollar nylon products are better...NEVER buy or accept Kate Spade leather). And wallet shopping gave reason to sanitize all the contents of my wallet with a good alcohol swabbing. Credit cards. IDs. Maybe even my loose change. Which maybe even led to my cell phone. And keys. For the heck of it I took the Q-tips to the scissors as well.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't playing the scenario out in my head: I walk in the airport entrance, searching for my ticket counter when an investigative news report team stops me and asks to swab my aforementioned items for germs. You know these guys--the ones with the local news teasers in commercial breaks warning, "You THINK you are smart because you do/eat/buy ________, but you will not BELIEVE how we've uncovered how dumb and wrong you are. Tonight at 11." So they're swabbing, thinking they're going to uncover how I'm actually a non-glove-wearing proctologist for Satan, but then their special, speedy petri dishes reveal not one. single. microbe or bacterium. And they're all like, "Unbelievable! We've tested 9 billion people and you're the only one with these results!" And then I'm all like, "That's right. I'm CLEAN."